i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
