I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
