last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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