can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.