my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
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No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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