This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
