its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
