There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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