I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
