I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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