i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
