he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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