New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
