you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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