the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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