I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize