Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
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His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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