She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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