Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize