I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
