I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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