I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i came on her dog
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
