You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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