She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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