i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
