He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
