The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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