and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
