everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
