he was CRYING into my vagina
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
