I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think a kid would responsible me up
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
