Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
