she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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