I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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