I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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