I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
