Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
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dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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