I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
