I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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