Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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