i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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