508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dating After Heartbreak
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.