The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
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Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots