Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?