I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
