I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
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