Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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