I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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