So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
