please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.