if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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