last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
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you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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